So today was work 10 hours, which turned into 11. Not bad, I can do it. What worried me about work was how I reacted at the end. I only detail the description because most people have no idea what goes on in the mind of someone with CPTSD. I try to describe it, but no words can really express it. Here goes my attempt.
I work customer service. I take calls and help people figure out things on their accounts. There are times for all customer service agents (if they work for a good company) that they have to reach out to do something for an account they can’t normally do. Well, when I did that for my last call, all I got was a run around. For over 20 minutes. Fine. I reached out to another someone. Run around for about 10 minutes, then they did what the customer needed done. Stressful for anyone.
For me, I was ready to scream. I had so much anger surging through me. Another lovely side effect of this lovely CPTSD. Since I was never allowed to be angry growing up, anger is a feeling that I don’t know how to handle well. So when I do get mad, it feels like I am mad all over. To the point of headaches and nausea. It is not a fun life to deal with an anger so strong. It scares me at times.
So here I am so angry. So mad. I step outside to remove myself from the situation (I was off work at this point). The roller coaster of trying to calm down for me goes like this: Anger, fierce anger, anger, rage, scared, worried, anger, anger, sad, scared, try to ignore it, depression, self anger, self rage, scared, and then wore out. I feel the round of what I just described over and over again until I can process it. When I got home, I asked my adult son and husband to not ask me about my day yet, and knowing me like they do, they backed off.
In hindsight, what makes me sad and angry is that this was not a bad day. Stressful a little bit up to that point, but not bad. For this reaction to pop up though, I know there is something unsettled in my life and this was its outlet. So this is the heart of dealing with any mental disease/disorder/trauma. To get past it, you have to learn more about yourself that most are brave enough to do. You can’t put something off and deal with it later, because if you do, it will blow up like this. I have to look at my life constantly, because if I don’t I risk losing the progress that I’ve made. And people wonder why we get tired! 🙂
So tonight I am thankful I could calm down. I’m thankful for an immediate family that understands when I say it’s not the time. I’m thankful I’ve come this far.