It took me a bit to find what I wanted and needed to express today. As I’ve mentioned before, I am married to someone who has PTSD. I do not share my spouse’s story, as it is theirs and I respect that. Please know in representing my side of this, it is intended to show how a couple who both have PTSD can affect each other.
My spouse will be starting something life changing this weekend. So today I’ve been a bundle of anxiety. I’ve caught myself reverting to old habits from when I was in abusive situations. I have been using a lot of grounding techniques to try to keep myself in the present. Even now trying to compose my thoughts together in cohesive sentences is taking a lot of effort.
So why try to write this? Why force myself to do this? Because I hope to show what it is like living with mental disorder/disease/trauma. So hopefully if you have never experienced anything like this you can get a glimpse into something that is truly indescribable. So if you know what this is like, then you know you are not alone in this.
It’s like my thoughts are wading through a thick fog of potato and cheese soup. I have a million things I want to express, but what comes to the surface is fragments and bits, with nothing tying them together. Before one thought finishes, another has started, in endless loops that never link together.
This is what it is like today. I keep pressing on because I know it won’t last forever. I am thankful that I know it gets better. I’m thankful for a chance to try to describe it. I’m thankful for another day, even if it means dealing with my past to experience it.