Show them that you are human!

This is one of the best things a friend has ever said to me.  It’s been coming back to mind more and more the past few weeks.

One of the things I have noticed in my healing from CPTSD is that I was so worried about what everyone thought of me that I couldn’t see how they perceived me.  Perfection was demanded from me growing up.  From having to have A+ in every subject in school, to cleaning and cooking to perfection.  With my brain always having to be focused on my next action being perfect, I never developed the social skills most people do.

Of course this drive for perfection has stayed with me over the years, but I never knew how bad it was until one day I was chatting with a friend.  I had made some absurdly stupid yet funny mistake (the kind we all can make and say duh!), and her comment was “I’m so glad to know you are human.”

I didn’t know what to say, or how to respond.  Here I was beating myself up and feeling lower than dirt every day.  What kind of perception did someone have of me to say something like that?  I waited until a few days later and asked my friend about her comment.  She began to explain that since I was always trying so hard to do everything perfect that people missed out on the real me.  I was dumbfounded.

After a bit of pondering, I figured out she was right.  In trying to please everyone, besides exhausting myself, I was hiding myself.  I didn’t know me outside of the bonds of perfection.  This eventually lead to many many months of self discovery where I really took a hard look at myself.  I allowed myself to learn about me, and my preferences.

Please understand it’s not like all of this changed over night, or even in a few months.  I’m still learning about myself.  But now I am open to me being me.  I’m open to not being perfect.  I still have bad anxiety when I fail something, but each time it gets a little less.

So tonight I am thankful that I am human.  With million of imperfections that help make me – me!  My unique blend.  I’m thankful that I can see some of them with love (like my crooked smile).


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