Anger. Since I am still learning how to cope healthily with this feeling, it tends to stick out more for me. With the countdown to find a place to move to on top of work and my spouse’s “big weekend”, the stress is bound to force a couple who both have PTSD to deal with it pretty frequently.
In the moment I still struggle with what to do. I can’t stop the feelings it evokes. Over 19 years of swallowing my anger has left no room for suppression anymore. It’s not right to explode, even though every muscle in my body wants to react that way. It’s why I am so tired after dealing with anger. It leaves me physically and emotionally exhausted. I still tense to the point that my muscles get hard like stone. It scares me because I know what I was like with anger before I started treatment and recovery.
I’m thankful that today it only took me a couple of hours to work through it. To be able to express my anger appropriately with the person who made me angry. When it was done I was grateful, and to the person my anger was directed towards, it wasn’t addressed as a big deal. I trust that the process will become quicker as I have more practice. It has to get quicker.
The part that I laugh about the most though is between my spouse and myself. We both understand when anger hits either one of us, we have to step back. Give each other time to process. If we don’t neither will be happy with the results. So I laugh now because we look and sound so funny.
“What’s wrong?” is sometimes the worst question to ask each other. The answer may not even contain words, but a short hand we both understand. To an outsider it would seem crazy. Neighbors just shake their heads if they walk by. 🙂
I am thankful to be with someone who understands what this is like. I’m grateful to know and admit this is something I struggle with. I’m grateful to be able to speak about it. I thank you for listening.