Triggers and weight – old territory

***Note: This is not a pretty story, and if you have triggers, please proceed with caution***

As someone with CPTSD, at times triggers and issues can meld together, turning into a different monster to battle.  Today I want to write about something I rarely speak about, but it’s something that I deal with a lot.

Having to be perfect as a child added a lot of stress on me.  On top of that the sexual, physical, and verbal abuse tore apart whatever I had left inside.  So to me, I was never that perfect person I should have been.  Since there was little in my life that I controlled, I controlled the one thing I could.  My food intake.

At the age of 10, when a lot of girls saw the first changes starting in their body, I weighed so little I could fit in the kindergarten desks at school.  For the next three years as my body tried to grow, I wasn’t giving it the nutrition it needed.  There wasn’t a lot of food around, and my brother was always hungry, so the lions share went to him.  Since I was going to school and running the house as best I could, I was always on the move.

I didn’t have enough body fat for puberty to kick in.  It got to the point that I started passing out from not eating.  My self-image at this point was that I was as big as a whale.  No joke.  I didn’t have the perspective to see what was really happening.  I just knew I wasn’t the perfect person I needed to be.

Luckily between an observant teacher and a doctor, I was able to start gaining weight.  That was so hard, because the abuse and the mental disorders/diseases weren’t being addressed.  I thought this was something else I had messed up.  Again, more proof I wasn’t perfect, and I had to be perfect.

In my twenties, I ended up trying to use sex and food to cover up the feelings inside that were trying to get out.  I was finally away from my family, but still didn’t know how to be anything but an abused female.  I kept accepting what I felt I deserved, and would eat when I didn’t know how to handle my emotions.

I ended up on the other side of the weight scale.  I weighed more than I ever weighed, even during my pregnancies.  My partner at the time did not help things, but I don’t think either of us realized how unhealthy I was mentally.  I didn’t know how to break the cycle that had started.  I only knew that every person who had raped me had told me they did it because I was pretty, and I no longer wanted to be pretty.

Luckily I have figured out the cause of my food abuse.  I still struggle with it.  I can be triggered, not be aware, and find myself eating more than I need to.  I realize that, and then I’m triggered again.  It can be a very vicious cycle.  Food is not something you can stay away from.  Or at least you can’t and be healthy.

I am so thankful that I survived all of this.  At times I believe it was only by a wing and a prayer I have made it.  But made it I have.  Yes, I still struggle.  I survived decades of abuse, and that is not dealt with in a few months or years.  I may battle some of my triggers for the rest of my life.  But my life is a blessed life.  I know now what I didn’t know then.  I am empowered by this knowledge, knowing I am making a better life for myself.

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6 thoughts on “Triggers and weight – old territory”

  1. “I am so thankful that I survived all of this. ”
    I am so thankful that *you*survived all of this,
    Survived and then some! Be very proud!! You are fabulous! TS

    Liked by 1 person

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