Today has really been a good day, but for some reason I can’t feel it inside. Things that I should be jumping for joy about barely make me smile. I know I should be happy. Elated. Overjoyed. Instead I am struggling hard to feel anything but way down.
When I try to find the heart of the matter, I really believe it is fear. Fear of change. Fear of the unknown. Fear of not being able to trust the happiness to last. If it doesn’t last, why bother with it anyway? If everything isn’t positive, why work so hard to find the positive side of things?
I’ll tell you why I still try. Because nothing lasts forever, even the bad feelings. As bad as my life has gotten, there has been some good there. Because no matter how much I struggle, I know I’m really struggling with my past. My past does not dictate my future. Because I choose to have a family around me now who loves me, and my pain effects them. Because all life has joy and sadness, and you have to take each one as they come, especially when you have CPTSD.
I am thankful I am here and have made it this far. I may not be overjoyed today, but tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. And as my all time favorite movie quotes states:
“There is a saying: Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present.” Oogway
I can still look forward to all the “presents” I haven’t arrived at yet. They bring more joy than any sadness my past can dredge up.