I believe last night I had nightmares. Not because I remember them, but because I woke up so angry. Not grumpy, but mad at the whole world. Trying to work through it while working wasn’t going well, so I tried something different.
I gave myself two minutes to write down everything I was felling. So for those two minutes I concentrated on just my anger. Below is the results.
Why do you try to consume me?
Why are you so hard to deal with?
Why do you try to control me?
You are another emotion,
Yet so much more!
You flare up, ignite,
Burn hot and fast.
Destroying everything in your path.
You turn me into a monster!
You turn me into them.
There. The breakthrough at the end. It’s not just that I had to swallow my anger growing up because it wasn’t allowed. I associate anger with my abusers. I see that as a reoccurring theme with them. I don’t want to be like my abusers, so I don’t want to be angry.
No wonder I have a hard time with anger! It can be a healthy response. It can be a normal response. Because my memories had it tied to the worst people in my life, I didn’t realize before how much I associated anger with them. Maybe I’m not so mental after all! 🙂
Today I am thankful for breakthroughs. I am thankful I can write and then look back at it later. I am so thankful that I don’t give up like I used to. I’m thankful I am alive.