I believe last night I had nightmares. Not because I remember them, but because I woke up so angry. Not grumpy, but mad at the whole world. Trying to work through it while working wasn’t going well, so I tried something different.
I gave myself two minutes to write down everything I was felling. So for those two minutes I concentrated on just my anger. Below is the results.
Anger
Why do you try to consume me?
Why are you so hard to deal with?
Why do you try to control me?
You are another emotion,
Yet so much more!
You flare up, ignite,
Burn hot and fast.
Destroying everything in your path.
You turn me into a monster!
You turn me into them.
There. The breakthrough at the end. It’s not just that I had to swallow my anger growing up because it wasn’t allowed. I associate anger with my abusers. I see that as a reoccurring theme with them. I don’t want to be like my abusers, so I don’t want to be angry.
No wonder I have a hard time with anger! It can be a healthy response. It can be a normal response. Because my memories had it tied to the worst people in my life, I didn’t realize before how much I associated anger with them. Maybe I’m not so mental after all! 🙂
Today I am thankful for breakthroughs. I am thankful I can write and then look back at it later. I am so thankful that I don’t give up like I used to. I’m thankful I am alive.
Living with CPTSD 
I am dealing with this right now right this moment and the last few weeks. I have never been allowed to be angry. But I feel angry. But feeling angry makes me feel like a bad person so there is this internal battle and conflict that makes me want to scream. Thank you for your post!!
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Anger can be so scary. I have a hard time with it as well. You aren’t a monster for feeling angry. Everyone gets angry at times. Bea always tells me that anger can be energizing, that it can provide that push we need to change something, she says that anger can be telling us something. I don’t usually experience anger in that way, it’s more of the big scary overwhelming way, but I think this perspective is worth thinking about. Xx
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Thank you! I feel better now about anger. I believe I will still struggle some for a while, but knowing how I associated anger helps me see how to better deal with it. One of my last therapist described many types of anger, and he said all of them have their place. I’m still learning about them.
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