Sudden changes can be hard to handle for anyone, but add mental issue/disease/disorder/trauma and you got the makings for a battle, even if the change is for the better.
Enter work yesterday. No notification provided, but I had discovered a huge last minute change in my schedule that no one could explain, not even my boss. Panic, hurt, anger, rage, and confusion set in all at once. I was able to stand up for myself in a respectful way, but that didn’t make the change any different.
It brought me back to the feeling of when the only control over my life was what I ate. The little girl who couldn’t protect herself emerged feeling as vulnerable as she did back then. That’s the thing with flash backs for a survivor with CPTSD. Most of the time they can be specific settings or situations, but when those same settings and situations happened repeatedly in your life, they can blur when a flash back hits. Then it’s the emotions and feelings you had that take the main stage. It’s why flashbacks are hard to work through.
The difference I am seeing now with my on going healing is I am able to see a little clearer the line between those feelings and what is really happening. I know my mind is not always accurate with what it perceives is going on. I can’t always trust the feelings and thoughts that come up. Adjusting to this knowledge is hard. It can take a long time to learn to see the differences between the reality and what our mind perceives.
So what do I take from all of this? Some really great lessons for anyone. Feeling something doesn’t make it true. Everyone reacts to their perspective so you may not understand their reactions. Life is hard, but the rewards in life are more than worth the work. Every relationship (from friends to family to significant others) has to have effort put into them for them to last. Anything can be a blessing or a curse, or more than likely both at the same time.
Take CPTSD. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but what I’ve learned from it has brought me many blessings in life that I wouldn’t have had otherwise. 🙂 I am thankful to be alive.