So after this weekend’s moving sale, clean up, now working overtime, and trying to get things ready for the move, I am feeling spread really thin. I think this is common with PTSD, as stress can make you easier to trigger. Personally for me, when I’m stressed the feelings of failure from not being perfect like I was pushed to be growing up get stronger. It’s like the layer of defense I normally have from it isn’t as strong.
So I try to be aware of this. I try to plan breaks and realistic goals. Too bad my let’s go ahead and get it done now mode doesn’t turn off. Then my thoughts don’t like to turn off. For someone with CPTSD, you can hear all the stuff from those times of trauma replay in your head. Sometimes on low volume, sometimes it’s loud, but the more stress you have the harder it is to get it to stop. Add that to triggers, and it’s a day where I need to question my thoughts a lot.
With all of this going on inside, no wonder I am tired. It may seem simple to someone who doesn’t have a mental disease/disorder/trauma. But a mind that doesn’t stop or turn off is hard to deal with. For me, I am fighting against everything that was ingrained in me for the first 19 years of my life. From day one at home, I was taught that I have to be perfect and please everyone else first. I was taught that I had no worth and nothing of value to add to anything. I was taught that I come last in everything, and whatever price I had to pay for my abusers happiness I had better be willing to pay. This is what I fight against when everything replays.
I know now that I do have value. I know now that I don’t have to be perfect. I will make mistakes like all of us do. I know that if I don’t take care of myself that my mind and body will suffer, and then I won’t be able to do what I want to do.
So I am thankful that I can share this with you. I am thankful that there is work to be done because an idle mind is not good for me. I am grateful that I am strong than what I came out of.