Sorry.

Hello everyone.  I’m sorry I had to take some time off.  My world started changing everywhere.  Not just the big move and a new home, but also overtime at work, then a promotion at work, then training my replacement, and dealing with my spouse and their PTSD symptoms on top of mine.

Most of this is positive change, and it is great.  Please don’t get me wrong.  As someone with CPTSD though, it takes my mind a bit to wrap around change.  When so much changes all at once, it’s like I’m watching a movie, and none of it is happening to me.  I go numb and can’t feel.  I’m overwhelmed by all the emotions and can’t process them.  I don’t know if I am doing the description justice.  I just know I had to take some time and process everything.  I had to sort it out as my brain was trying to shut it down.

I think that comes from the way things happened growing up.  My mother would be with someone until they didn’t meet her needs anymore.  Then there would be a huge blow up, with me in the middle of it trying to do what everyone wanted.  Then the blow up would end, we would move, and the process started all over again.  So it wasn’t just her changing boyfriends or husbands.  It would be moving to a new town, starting another school, leaving any friends I may have made, and all the work of moving and setting up a new home.  I started being responsible for the packing and getting the move going at age 9.  So much on a young girls shoulders.

So it makes sense to me that this much change all at once, although very positive change now, would through off my mind.  I do believe our minds are creatures of habits, and something that is drilled into you for so long is a hard habit to break.

So please forgive me for not being able to share during this time.  I couldn’t even tell myself what I was thinking then.  But now I’m back, and I’m ready for this new life we are building.  And I’m very grateful for all of it.

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